Bernie from "Weekend At Bernies" Lives on my commute

Dudes. So this is a commuter blog. Every day, well days i work past 5:30, haha, there is this dude on a rather busy street i drive home on, and I am going to do my best to describe the homie because he is legit Bernie from weekend at Bernies. If you have not seen that movie, tune in to shitty cable station sometime in the middle of the weekend and i guarantee it is on somewhere.

so this dude stands in front of his house, facing the street traffic. he always has 80s round, mirrored sunglasses on with a USC sweatshirt, and short shorts. Honestly for visual on the dude, do a quick google image search for Bernie.

The guy stands legs should width apart. he spreads his arms to maximize his wingspan, almost in a crucifix stance. He then begins doing a half squat. actually, tht is too generous. a 1/3 squat. No headphones, no ipod, no portable a-track player, but the man is rocking out to something funky in that dome.

Once he gets the squat going, he takes his left hand and brings it into his chest, as if doing a sobriety test. At this same rhythm, he lifts his right leg, straight, like kicking a soccer ball. He then switches, right arm, left leg. He then switches. All to the beat of the cars, and by cars, I mean the Richard Simmons Mix tape.

I witness all this in about 15-45 second increments, and have seen his routine from start to finish. After the street side aerobics, the dude goes for a run.

These aerobics are so strangely orchestrated, the only real way to relate it to normal human action is the way Bernie was strung up and carried around like a Marionette Doll. Man I wish you could see this awesome workout. If he videoed it, he could air it on TV station and I swear it would actually be one of our top programs for the fat old ladies who watch our station.

"She got off the hook and slipped away"

Yesterday was a shitty day in my sales world. 2 deals fell through in the matter of about 10 minutes. all done over email, which is bullshit. i mean, if i have to pitch you in person, if i have to slave away and swallow my pride and kiss your ass in person to get you to listen to me, at least pick up the phone and tell me why it is you cant fit my plan into your plan. both marketing concepts i devised, were flawless. they were cheap. they were creative. they reached EXACTLY who they were trying to reach, but at the end of the day, going with something new just doesnt sit well with people.

So deal 1 was for this auto show. that alone has red flags all over it. anything with the car industry is sleazy by nature, and in this day and time, has no money. however, the ad agent i was working with has been around since the stone ages, legit is about 80 years old, and in theory, works by the old boys network codes. this means, if i do him a solid, he does me a solid. this simple concept made it only right for him to throw me a bone.

a few months back i had our editorial department to cover his client on some bullshit story. it was not news worthy, but they did it anyway because money was promised from this future HUGE event.

i worked back and forth with him and handed him EXACTLY what he wanted. the last meeting we had, he was repeating "we can only do our best" and shit like that, which is now a clear red flag.

anyhow, he said he met with the sleaze balls, and they passed on our "great idea". the dude emailed me this, and basically screwed me over.

deal number 2, with a new development tonight, may not totally be dead, and this is ONLY because i reasoned with the marketing director and my idea was literally too good to pass up. This is too boring of a story, so I will just keep you on the edge of the seat to see if any cash money comes out of it.

Anyhoo, when i forward these to Chaz, he came running to my office, and kinda cracked me up. he was screaming "damnit. she came off the hook! She came loose. Lets get it back on"

He also told me he will break the old dudes balls because he totally effed us on this whole "scratch my back, i scratch yours".

Oh shit**. My car got broken into, but they didnt steal shit

About 6 weeks ago, i am walking downtown and come across a pile of broken car window glass. What would a normal human think? nothing most likely. Oh sucks for that guy. But what does Will think? Let me tell you...

I run into a store and ask for a plastic back. I go back to the glass, and scoop all of it up into the bag. I put this bag in the trunk of my car, where it sits for 6 weeks... waiting for the perfect target at the perfect time. 

So, last week, the dude from our competition got rear ended. nothing major, but his car was in the shop getting painted. 

So, home boy was driving his girlfriends car. 

PERFECT SITUATION. 

I get Runner in on this. We notice the guy going into a meeting with our boss. I run into his office, and find his car keys. Runner is taking photo documentation of this entire deal. 

I get the keys, grab the glass, and head to the car, which is perfectly parked outside Runners window. I turn car on, and roll down the passenger side window. I spread the broken glass along the window, sill, and the dump the pile below the window, where the glass would naturally fall. I run back inside, put keys back in, hop back at desk. Business as normal. 

Lunch rolls around. 

Home boy gets keys, and walks outside. At this point, a few other friends at work (cool dudes, will talk about later) have piled into Runners cube watching this as it unfolds. He falls for it hook line and sinker. He is pacing around his car face bright red, Runner snapping pictures away, Office watching rolling on the floor. Homey starts walking back into office. Again, we dart to desks, business as usual. He comes in "my car window is smashed and they didn't steal anything. what the fuck"

Runner gets camera, begins showing him photos from "a playboy party to cheer him up" . They are a montage of his car, him finding car, him searching car, him red in face. He is so flustered, he is confused. I go "Hey Cron, roll up the window. Its not broken."

Entire office start DIEING. Him included. I am on the floor laughing, he is hyperventilating because it is so funny. He cleans up car, and marks it as the greatest work prank ever. 

Where is Autumn? No joke, in her cube, not acknowledging any of this, and when I sit back at my cube, all i hear is a "ughhhhhhh. Godddddddddddd"

I'm back...

So much has happened in this hiatus, I dont even know where to begin. In short, I got a promotion and raise, and have been working like a mad man ever since. I am really trying to close these new deals, and new ideas, and new TV shows because, sadly, it will make me some solid cash money if I do. That isnt my only motivation. If i get some of my own initiatives, and clients, and ideas on the air, I will really have something to put on my resume which is worth more than any commission check. 

not much has changed. 3 new guys were hired. One is a typical saleman. He is full of shit, cant sit still, and every, and i mean EVERY sentence that comes out of his mouth has a sales pitch attached to it. Whether he is trying to sell you on taking a cookie he brought in, or that "he has the deal of a lifetime for you Auto Guy, better sit down", he annoys this shit out of me. He is about 50 years old. 

Dude number two is a Latin mo fo. He is about 50-55 and I too am not a fan of his. he is harmless, means nothing in his actions, but brings nothing to the personality table. I think he thought he was going to make a shit load of money here. newsflash, its TV station. 

Dude number 3 comes from our competition. He is really nice, down to earth, and is a no bullshit human being. i respect him, i like him, and I think he will soon be my future Boss, just under Chaz. 

Chaz, by the way, and I have become best buds. Keep you enemies closer, right? 

ugggghh, Shhhh. Goddddddddddddd

I cant remember if i talked about Autumn. No, not the season, the annoying middle aged women who sits in cube behind me. Well, here comes a rant. 

Autumn is a bad person. Autumn is a mean person. Autumn is a greedy person. These are all extremely harsh, I know, but it sadly is the only way to describer her. Day in and day out, she is yelling and condescending people both in our office, and on the phone. She is the type of person that when gets rear ended by someone in a parking lot, and there is zero car damage, she sues the poor young girl because "her neck and back are just so messed up she cant work out anymore'. (this happened, and trust me, this chick never works out.)

The other day I literally had bee working so much to get these proposals out, that on the friday around lunch time, i took a trip to Slacker Town USA. I went to You Tube, and I came across the funniest fucking videos i have ever seen. (www.failblog.org is the greatest website for a rather educational (not) laugh). I am literally sitting in my cube, while Runner is in his watching same videos, laughing out loud. At one point, I am crying, leaning back in my chair while all in the office come watch the snow driving in Portland. The entire time this is going on, she is in her cube (not quietly or even under her breath) saying "ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh" and "pshhhhhhhhhhhh" and "goooooooooood" as if she is so much better than me, and SOOOO much busier than me. In reality, I am busier than her, and hitting more clients than her. Yet, she is "a Senior AE" which means jac shit to me really, she thinks she owns the place.

When a person is constantly condescending, mean, and overall just nasty to people, i really cant stand it. I cant look this women in the eye, it is that bad. She thinks me and Runner and SO below her, yet we are working at the same place, with the same title, and I have the same accounts and quotas.

Deep down, I know this women must not be happy in life. I feel bad for that, to a certain degree, until this unhappiness in her lifes decisions and career moves invades and hurts other people. 

If you guys ad heard her ream this poor little insurance adjuster, who literally was just a data entry guy, had no power over her claims, you would know then and there what line she falls on the humanity spectrum.